Name: Brittney
URL: AloneInthePretense.org
Favorite Christmas Movie: How the Grinch Stole Christmas

A Strange, Yet Beautiful Christmas

Starring: Zac
Rating: PG-13
Note: This is an outtake of Chapter 30 of Infinite from Zac's point of view.

I hated when it was my turn to do the dishes. We’d all whined to our parents about getting a dishwasher at some point, but they always reasoned they had no need of one with seven children around.

I tried not to be too grumpy about it. At least I wasn’t stuck washing all of the dishes from last night’s Christmas party, and it was still the holiday, after all. It might have been easier to be cheerful if my nerves weren’t so on edge. If not for the newly acquired NicoDerm CQ patch on my arm, I probably would’ve been craving a cigarette.

I picked a hell of a time to quit smoking. Of course, my source of anxiety was also my reason for quitting. I smiled, thinking of Silly, but then my smile faded just a bit as my fondness for the strange, yet beautiful, girl gave way to worry.

I wondered if she’d opened her presents yet.

I was as equally annoyed as I was relieved that Silly had herded me out the door in an attempt to keep Skylar away when I’d taken her gifts to her last night. On the one hand, I would’ve liked to see her face as she opened them. On the other, it would have been awkward if the gifts weren’t well received.

I had no worries about the Da Vinci Code DVD I’d gifted her. As much as she loved the book, I was sure she’d be thrilled to see the movie. I even thought she might be happy about the receipt for the package of NicoDerm CQ I’d given her as my way of telling her about my decision to quit smoking.

It was the note and the mix CD that had my nerves on edge. What if I was just crazy for thinking she liked me too? I mean, it stood to reason that she would be jealous about me hanging out with Skylar because she liked me, but what if I’d mistaken sibling rivalry with Skylar for mutual affection for me?

God, this wasn’t like me. I didn’t sit around worrying about girls. I sure as hell didn’t draw them cover art and make mix CDs with songs that reminded me of them or write notes. When had I turned into such a girl? At least I wasn’t waxing poetic in my note. Either way, I hoped Taylor never found out. He’d never let me live it down.

The sound of the doorbell ringing made me look up from the plate I’d been washing for the last several minutes.

“I want to eat off of that plate. Should be extra clean,” Taylor snarked, apparently making the same realization as I just had.

I rolled my eyes but didn’t reply because I’d likely be in trouble for saying what I really wanted to say in front of my younger siblings and my dad. Instead, I handed the plate to Taylor for him to rinse and started in on the next one.

After Taylor rinsed the dish, he stepped away from the counter, leaving me to both wash and rinse. I would have called him on it, but then he’d probably call me out on my preoccupation.

I heard my mom speaking to someone, asking if they’d had breakfast, as she approached the kitchen. I looked up out of curiosity, hoping I wouldn’t be bombarded with more dishes, but that worry was quickly forgotten as my eyes landed on my former source of anxiety.

Silly. She was in my house – in my kitchen and talking to my mom. I would’ve been embarrassed by the latter if I weren’t so thrilled to see her. I could feel the smile covering my face, despite my uncertainty about her unannounced visit, and was relieved when she smiled back. That had to be a good sign, right?

I rinsed the plate in my hands and sit it in the dish rack to dry before wiping my hands on the dishtowel. 

“Hey,” I said by way of greeting as I walked toward her. I could feel my family’s eyes on me, but I only had eyes for Silly.

“Hi,” Silly replied. She looked about as nervous as I felt. Worry bubbled up in the pit of my stomach, and all I wanted was to get away from my family so we could talk, but I knew that would be extremely rude. Plus, I didn’t want Silly to think I was embarrassed to introduce her to family.

I went around the room, pointing out and naming each member of my family. Mac and Zoe were preoccupied with a game Mac got for Christmas, and Jessica, Avery and Dad were both reading – a magazine, a book and the newspaper, respectively - while Isaac was fiddling with his cell phone. Taylor was smirking from his place next to the counter – probably thinking of ways to be annoying, but everyone looked up as I introduced them. When I was finished naming them, I said, “Everyone, this is Silly.”

They chorused their hellos before returning to what they’d been doing. Well, everyone except Taylor. He sauntered over to us as Mom slipped away to finish the dishes.

“So, you’re the girl Zac is always talking about, huh?” Taylor smirked and I shot him a dirty look. Apparently, he was looking for a good ass kicking.

Silly blushed and glanced at me - luckily, I’d managed to remove the scorn for my annoying brother from my face - before looking back at Taylor. “I don’t know, am I?” she asked coyly.

She looked so damn adorable with her cheeks flushed and sounding all shy. 

“Ignore him,” I told her, giving into my desire to touch her and putting my hands on her shoulders. She looked over her shoulder at me just in time to see me stick my tongue out at Taylor and mouth, “Fuck you, asshole!” Thankfully, the corners of her mouth lifted up into an amused smile, so I knew I hadn’t offended her.

Turning us both, I led Silly back down the hall to the doorway leading down to my room in the basement. “My room’s down here,” I commented before she could ask where we were going.

“Isn’t it weird?” she asked. “Living in the basement?”

“Nah, it’s quieter,” I shrugged. And private, I mentally added.

I was relieved that I’d cleaned my room up a bit recently since we’d been on Christmas break. It wasn’t spotless, but it wasn’t the complete wreck it had been a week ago. Silly looked around when we reached the bottom of the stairs, and I couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking as she took in my room. Was it what she’d expected? Or had she ever even thought of what my room might look like?

Her room was nice and fit her. Of course, the one time I’d been in her room, she’d been completely pissed off at me, so I didn’t get to take a good look at the posters on her walls or books on her shelves like she was currently doing to mine.

“Oh,” she said after a moment as she turned to look at me. “Here’s your Christmas gift.” She was within arms reach and held the package out to me.

I took it, smiling, as I said, “Cool, thanks.” 

My mind was preoccupied with curiosity about her reaction to my gifts to her as I walked over to the bed and unwrapped my gift. I smiled, though still feeling slightly distracted, as I took in the cover of The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.  

The sight of the lime colored cover reminded me of my first meeting with Silly. I was sitting at her house, waiting for Skylar and Scott to come back from getting drinks and snacks when a timid girl crept into the room, looking like she was trying to avoid being noticed. Maybe I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t noticed the book she came into the room to retrieve. We might have just exchanged hellos and never spoke again.  

I stared down at the book in my hands, realizing that on top of being a favorite it had also brought Silly into my life. I had no idea then that that nervous girl would eventually end up taking over my mind.

I had no idea how to express what I was thinking, so I decided to take the cool approach. “Awesome, my own copy,” I smiled, looking up.  Silly rolled her eyes at me. 

“I know you already have a copy,” she said, motioning toward the book shelf “Look in the front cover,” she demanded, walking over and sitting down on the bed.  

I flipped the cover open and my eyes scanned the first page, landing immediately on the author’s signature. “Where’d you get this?” I asked, shocked. 

“Don’t you know you can get anything on online these days?” Silly smirked. 

“Well, thank you,” I smiled. That didn’t seem adequate enough, but I couldn’t think of anything grander to say. “I’m surprised you didn’t keep for yourself,” I admitted. “I know this is your favorite book.” 

“It is,” she shrugged, “but I wanted you to have it.” I smiled, my heart soaring at the notion she would give me something that meant so much to her. Then her next words sent my already soaring heart beating out of control. “And thank you for my presents,” she said. “I love the mix CD.” 

I wanted to squeal like a little girl with glee, but I pushed that ridiculous notion away. I was a guy. Guys do not squeal. Ever. 

Instead, I said, “I’m glad you liked it.” 

“The drawings were great,” she complimented. “You’re really good.” 

Embarrassed, I brushed my hair back away from my eyes as I muttered, “Thanks.”  

Then it was quiet, which was odd because Silly was usually so talkative. I was convinced the girl could talk about anything – even something ridiculous, like toes - for hours, so her sudden silence made me worry. Maybe I’d been interpreting things wrong. Maybe she was trying to figure out the best way to tell me that she didn’t like me the same way I liked her. Knowing Silly, she would want to do it the kindest way possible, so I braced myself, preparing for the impact of the impending rejection.   

However, when she finally spoke, her words were not at all what I was expecting. “I’m glad you decided to quit smoking,” she said. I smiled, though weakly – my nerves still on edge – as she asked, “How’s that going so far?” 

I pulled up the sleeve of my shirt both to show her the patch on my arm and just to have something to do with my jittery hands. “Well, I’ve got on the patch,” I said, gesturing to it. Then I wanted to roll my eyes at my own stupid need to state the obvious. She could clearly see it. 

Thankfully she didn’t call me Captain Obvious and instead asked, “Had any cravings yet?”

“Not yet,” I admitted. 

“That’s good,” she said. 

“Yeah,” I nodded. 

Then the silence set in yet again. My palms were growing sweaty. She’d thanked me for her gifts and said she liked them, so why hadn’t she acknowledged the note I wrote her? What if she hadn’t seen it? God, I didn’t think I could ask her now, and if she hadn’t read it, then she’d want me to tell her what it said, and I wasn’t sure I could speak the words out loud when I was already feeling so out of sorts. 

When my eyes fell upon Silly again, she was biting her lip and looked just as nervous, and I felt my stomach knot up. Maybe she had read the note and was just working up the courage to let me down easy. God, wouldn’t that just be my luck? 

I stared at the book in my hand – mostly just for something to do and in a sad attempt to calm my nerves, but it did little to help. Just when I thought I couldn’t stand another moment of awkward silence and would end up screaming in frustration, Silly spoke in a rush, “I like you too, Zac.” 

I sucked in a deep breath of air as my head snapped up. “You do?” I asked, shock coloring my tone.  

Silly smiled that gorgeous smile of hers and nodded. All of the air left my lungs in a relieved rush, causing Silly to laugh – it sounded a little nervous. Then she bit her lip. “So …” she began.

“So …” I echoed.  

My eyes washed over her face, as we each waited for the other to speak. The relief of her words still washed over me, and my current nervousness was for a completely different reason. We liked each other, so now what? After taking in her soft face, my eyes finally met hers. I felt like I could easily get lost in the green, and even thinking this made me realize just how far gone I truly was. 

I wondered yet again what she was thinking. Though her eyes bore into mine, I could see the wheels turning. I waited for her to speak, and when she did, it wasn’t what I was expecting. Instead of talking about what our newly revealed feelings meant, like I’d anticipated, she whispered, “Kiss me.”  

I swallowed hard, both excited and apprehensive about her request. I didn’t know why I was so nervous. It wasn’t like this was the first time I’d kissed a girl. Hell, I’d done a lot more than that, but the idea of kissing Silly seemed far more exhilarating than any of those other sordid experiences.  

It was in that that I understood. Those experiences with most of those other girls were empty. It was all about the thrill of the moment and taking what we needed from each other. I didn’t want to take anything from Silly. I wanted to give. Even though she’d only asked for a kiss, I still wanted that kiss to be everything she hoped it would be because I knew without her even telling me that this would be her first kiss.  

I smiled, pleased with myself for sorting out my confusing feelings in only a matter of seconds and consented to her kiss. I leaned forward, and her eyes immediately fluttered shut. I mourned the loss of the pretty green, but my eyes settled on her lips. They looked so soft and were puckered slightly, perfectly, so when my lips met hers, they melted together.  

I kissed her upper and lower lip gently, and though she seemed hesitant at first, we fell into a tentative pattern sucking lightly at each other’s lips and then pulling back only to move back in again for more. I couldn’t keep my hands to myself, and, in an attempt to refrain from crossing some unwelcome line, I buried my fingers into her soft hair. It smelled sweet, like flowers and fruit, and combined with the feel of her soft mouth on mine, my body was awake in ways that - save for a few early morning jerk offs in the shower - had been pretty well dormant since last summer. 

When we finally did pull away full, Silly immediately turned her head away. The pink already in her cheeks seemed to grow darker. Was she embarrassed? Had it been bad for her? God, I hoped my breath wasn’t awful or something.  

Sucking up my insecurities, I tried to lighten the mood. I didn’t have to fake the grin that slid onto my face as I remembered her words that day I drove her home from school after both Luke and Skylar left her behind. Amused, I asked, “So, better than an ashtray?”  

That got her to look at me again – and roll her eyes. “Considering I’ve never kissed an ashtray or anything else for the matter,” she began, still blushing, “I’m going to make an educated guess and say, yes – much better than an ashtray.” 

“Good to know,” I said through a laugh.  

Silly seemed slightly amused, though still embarrassed, and when she spoke again I could hear the anxiousness in her voice as she asked, “So … was I okay? I mean, like I said, I’ve never kissed anything or anyone before, so … if I’m terrible …”

I had to force myself not to laugh at her question because I knew it would only make her feel more self-conscious, so I quickly cut her off. “You’re not terrible. Not by any means,” I assured her. From the expression on her face, I could tell she wasn’t completely sold, so I decided to dredge up my own horror story to both reassure her and set her at ease. “And don’t worry. During my first kiss, I actually bit the girl’s lip by accident.”

It worked. Silly tried to stifle a laugh as she gazed at me in bemusement. “Oh god,” she said, covering her face a hand. “Sorry.”

I sighed, holding my hands up in defeat. I’d asked for it, after all, by sharing the mortifying bit of information, but hearing her laughter was certainly worth it.  “Go on and laugh. I know it’s funny. Horrifying to remember, but still funny.”

Given permission, Silly was unable to suppress her laughter, and I couldn’t help but join in. I was thrilled to see her so happy and to know that my feelings for her weren’t one sided. We still had things left to talk about, but that could wait until later. Until then, I was content just to spend the day with her, and, though it was a day late, it truly felt like a merry Christmas.

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